Surrender

I am determined to adopt a newly understood virtue in my life --- the often feared and misconstrued surrender. For an old dog like me, and a control freak at that, I must admit the process is quite slow and agonizing. Thanks to my wife and a recent experience, I was pushed against the wall to appreciate this virtue and the goodness it can bring to my life.

Letting go of the things I have been holding on for so long has been the biggest challenge for me so far. However, I come to realize that before I get to hold on to new and better things, I have to open my hands and let go of everything. It may be true I have been holding on to many a treasure but I must admit I have also been holding a lot of worms. These worms have been making me live the kind of life a lot lesser than me and my family deserve.

I do pray that once I have cleared my hands of everything and cleansed it, I will be able to pick up the things I truly treasure and still have room to pick new and better things. To bene vita.

Name

I just stumbled into this link. The meaning of my name may be a mouthful but I tend agree with what is mostly written...
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What JOUB Means

You are fair, honest, and logical.
You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem.
You are great at giving other people advice.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable.
You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious.
You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are a very lucky person.
Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries.
You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy.
Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are full of energy.
You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring.
You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble.
You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/outcome.php

Better

My so called "new life" started more than a month ago. But reality kicks in and I am made to realize I do not have a new body to start with it. I am 28 and yet I already have worn out eyes, wearing special glasses for my high astigmatism. I have recurrent neck, shoulder and backpain that needs massaging every other week to lessen the tension. My knees, ankles and neck joints are clicking like I already have arthritis. I easily get exhausted. I am battling with the bulge with my tummy growing bigger every year. My memory is also failing me from time to time and it is harder to focus on what I am doing more than ever.

My battle plan: Consider lasik for my eyes. Stick to my diet and exercise program to fight body atrophy. Read. Read. Read. Brush up on my grammar, vocabulary and general knowledge. Join a retreat. Write things down to lessen forgetfulness.

I may not have a new body for this new life but let me start by making whatever I have better:) It will be such a waste if my own body will prevent me from living a better life.

Moment

"Dad, are you okay?", my three-year old son worriedly asked me.
I didn't realize I was already deep in thought, thinking of a better life I want to provide my family, when he blurted this. I was driving to the mall this morning with him in tow. There must have been ten minutes of awkward silence in the car as my mind wandered off, that made him worry.

I pulled over the car to the side of the road and looked at him dearly.
"Dad is okay. Thank you," then I moved him and the carseat from the back to sit next to me.

I continued driving off to the supermarket as I held my son's hand and patted his shoulder, realizing there is no better place to be at that moment than to be where I am.

Home

I always thought my house is clean and well kept. When I think of my house, images of immaculate floor, clean curtains, fresh linens, well-maintained furnitures and appliances come to mind.

After more than a month of sabbatical and spending more time in the house, it is only now that I noticed the many signs of deterioration and unkeptness. It is just three years old and yet the walls need paint job, especially the borders at the bottom. The glass windows need major cleaning from grime and the window screens need scrubbing from dust that accumulated for almost a year now. The cupboard, sink cabinets as well as the cabinets in our rooms need another wave of spring cleaning to remove clutter. The bathroom upstairs need plumbing. The maids' room need their door knobs fixed. I also feel the need to address the varied light bulbs across the entire house, which irks me from time to time. I need to dispose of my old sala set as well as old clothes to have more breathing space upstairs. The laundry area in front of the house needs tiles to make it a little more presentable and a little less messy. Maybe it is not a bad idea as well to start cleaning the pots and recultivate plants.

I never realized just how much maintenance work needs to be done in house until now. On one side, it overwhelms me to think of all these chores but it also excites me to think I have the time to do it now. I am now fancying a new and improved house, a home my family deserves, to be done by mid May.

So... where do I start? :)

Slowly

Let me adapt the intro of an article I recently read about job addiction:

"I am Joub. I am a workaholic. It's an addiction like any other. Except that if you have it, they pay you more. Actually, a lot more. I am recovering though. I have to. The Japanese have a word for the problem: karoshi --- meaning death from overwork. I am not talking about literal death. I am talking about death of a soul: a dependency on stress, aggravation, power, and control; an inability to think about anything but business deals, meetings, upcoming challenges; draining away of the joy we should feel about food, drink, family, love, sex and children."

I left work a little over a month. I broke down, or shall I say, I broke free. I freed myself from the ties that bound me with my profession and the rat race I have been running for the last eight years. I will spare you the reasons that drove me to LEAVE the company, but needless to say, the reasons were huge enough to make me let go of the hand that feeds me and my family, and finally decide to LIVE.

I am sobering up now. But the path to recovery ain't easy. It is filled with struggles like withdrawal syndrome, boredom, anxiety, feeling of uselessness, fear of the future, and pressure from the people I left in the field. So as not to succumb to any of it, I live my life one day at a time. I also surround myself with people I love and care for me. I exercise regularly and follow a healthier diet to flush all the stress and toxins I've collected through the years. I also try, once in a while, to be alone and get comfortable with silence and the state of non-thinking. I also keep a notebook handy to help me organize my thoughts; write down everything I plan to straighten up in my life and rebuild dreams for the future.

I hope to be well soon. I pray that if and when I choose to go back to work, I will not forget the learnings I got from this phase of my life.